Ramblings of a Beggar

My heart has been changing. I feel it deep inside when I listen closely, when I look at something that arouses my senses and stirs my emotions. God has renewed the mangled handle to my heart that I have locked away and wedged space between for several years.
It excites me because I feel and see things in a whole new light. Not the way it used to be when I was close to the Lord back in high school. I was young and naive, and I didn’t know what it was like to live in a world full of sin…to pry firsthand into the web of lies it creates.
I was sheltered and wanted freedom from my family, my Godly friends, the church, and even God himself.  When I was with my first boyfriend, I was peeking into the world without God. I saw fun, I saw different people, and I saw a carefree lifestyle that I was never exposed to. And most of all, I saw liberation. I saw no rules, no guidelines, no one to tell me when to stop or when to go.
I fell in love with him sooner than I anticipated.  Although it’s been more than 8 years, some things still remain intact. (Unfortunately). I remember giving away my cherished first kiss. Freakin A. The feeling every woman chases and stalks: being wanted. It was amazing! I never quite had butterflies like the ones I had when I fell in love with him. They weren’t fluttering around like little fairies…it felt like they were playing rugby in my stomach.
The initial months we were together, Satan was “opening my eyes” to how wonderful life could be if I were in love…with the wrong guy. How good it would feel to make decisions by myself…the wrong ones. How exhilarating sex would feel without being married… hollow and worthless. What drinking alcohol to the extreme would be like… endless nights arched over a toilet overwhelmed with shame. Having friends steer you to do the cool thing and propel you away from all of your morals and values.
Satan was vigorously shaking me away from my Father, and all that I believed in. I was, by choice, taking Satan’s hand and saying “okay”. 
As much as I want to give complete credit to Satan for the way I was living my life…I cannot because I made the choices.  I made the ultimate decision to forfeit my heart.
 Corresponding with every single person on the face of this earth, God warrants our choice.  In Deuteronomy, He places life and death on the table, up for grabs… but we hold the verdict. We choose. We can either choose life, or death…the route to which I was nearing.
My story has the length that can orbit the world twice… which is rather drawn-out, so I will recede for now.
    Thank you Lord for rescuing me.